Run for the hills before they burn…..

As I was working on grading papers and speeches this afternoon, I have had music on, as usual, to help pass the time. All of a sudden as I was listening to a song by one of my favorite bands, I suddenly had an overwhelming moment of “I don’t want to leave China.”

I’ve spent so much time missing home that it dawned on me that my time is fading quickly, like sand falling through my fingers. My first semester is almost over. This coming summer seems like it is encroaching on my experience, taunting me that I will have to return.

But where did this come from? I mean, yes, I like it here, but I mostly felt like I was on vacation, with a lot of homesickness. Now I feel like I live here and that I belong here. I’m getting more used to carving out a life here and have found a way to survive. For example, I no longer only need to rely on pointing at food to order. I know some Chinese! I can tell a taxi driver how to get to a select few places. But I know that it’s deeper than carving out a normal routine. Because truly, it’s not enough to hang out with other teachers or order food in Chinese….. this feeling is lodged in the bottom of my heart, like an awareness of falling in love.

I’m faced with not wanting to leave. I want my life to be here and I want the rest of my family (husband cats) to join me. I want to have a homebase in the US, but I want to be here. I love it, mostly. (except health care and I will save my scary experience with a Chinese hospital for another post…). The cost of living blows my mind. The beauty of this country is inspiring and I’ve only seen like .0000000001% of it. I want to stay here. I want to take trips into the various parts of the country over the coming years as well as to surrounding countries. I want to keep forming relationships with students. And oh, yes, I love my students. Some have even let me into their lives as I’ve had coffee with them outside of class or have met their parents.

And beyond teaching college classes, I don’t know what I’m doing here in the eternal sense…. I do know that the Lord graciously continues to give me signs that I am supposed to be here during this school year. Yes, even today I got another sign! (This will have to be one Phil writes about since it’s been happening in the US…..so that’s Phil’s cue to post about God’s blessings)

Where are these thoughts from? I have not quite felt this before and I am at a loss about what to do about them. Yes, I knew God gave me and Phil both a sense that this time in China was the start of a lifelong relationship with this land. But what does this mean? Do I return to the States and stay? Or can we find a way to truly live here? I know when Phil’s done with his MA he would gladly join me. Teaching in China was actually his idea originally and has been something he has yearned to do years before I met him. I didn’t even think of China as a place to visit until after I met him! But my heart is here……… And I must say, I never truly have experienced loving a place so much. I am weeping just thinking about it.. How is it that China has become such a desire of my heart?

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